Dear Diary

What we've been up to...

2010-03-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

It's been a while since I last wrote, so sorry. I thought I'd put up some photos of what we've been up to lately. Watching the Olympic Gold medal hockey game between Canada and the US (You guys did a great job!) The kids wanted medals so I made some for them, unfortunately I didn't have gold foil, but they didn't care. Liam built a fairy house outside his window, we went on the longest drive ever to eat ice cream and yesterday I spent a fabulous day in Victoria with the kids for my birthday. I love you lots. I can't wait to see you again soon.

if ever there was a gift...

2009-12-25T21:31:00.000-08:00

You are it. I mean it. The older I get, the less I care about presents and the more I care about the gifts that I already have. Gifts like your friendship, this amazing sisterhood that you and I have. I really love you. I hope you had a great day with your family. Merry Christmas friend.

Thank you soul sister...

2009-12-19T21:54:00.000-08:00

Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much dear friend. Your package couldn't have been any more amazing. We had so much fun opening it. (I don't usually wait to open the gifts we get in the mail, we rip them right open!!!) Jack loves his book, we read it before bed and played the little game. It is so sweet. Isa loves the cookies, she was pretending to eat the gingerbread ones. You should really sell them on Etsy, Catherine, they are so adorable. They are beautiful and I can feel your love when I look at them. And the little containers they were in! Do you know that Zena's gypsy tea is made here in Ojai? I have met the woman and she is really great.
So thank you so much for everything. I can not wait to dip that luscious brush in paint and dive into an incredible painting. Everything about that package was so fabulous, the book looks really intriguing- I have been in need of a good book lately.

My package to you guys is not as well put together- I was really wishing that I could have put more things in there for you. I was feeling a little bad b/c your package to us was so beautiful. Really, everything about it was marvelous. From the bag you made for Isa's food to the granola! It was really special and I was in heaven opening it.

Thank you so much for bringing such beauty to my life. Your friendship is more than I could have ever hoped for. You are an amazing friend and you are always close in my heart, even if we are not close in miles. Geography means nothing. Thank you for your love and sweet thoughtfulness. I hope you get my package soon.

How are you doing otherwise? I loved your last post. We have made window stars. So fun. By the way, it was 78 degrees today, hot. I was pissed. Too warm for christmas time. I really wish we had snow here now, so does Jack.
xxoo Love you.

Christmas ideas

2009-12-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I wanted to share with you some lovely ideas of things you can do with your family to bring some meaning and less spending back into this season. I've been thinking a lot lately about Christmas in my father's or grandparents age in Europe. They didn't have Santa Claus or stocking stuffers or door crashers or Black Friday (I still think that is a weird name for a shopping day).

They had traditions, special food, music, family, special linens, little treats, a Christmas tree that wasn't put up until Christmas Eve and a feast to celebrate the season on Christmas day. What happened to all of that? I have been asking myself.

Well, last year, we began to take back the Christmas season for what it really is and focus more on special celebrations, handmade gifts, little treats like roasted chestnuts over the fire and putting less emphasis on Christmas presents and more on the "Child of Light." So here are some things that we do in our home that are making this time really special and not so expensive.

1. We celebrate Advent or the coming of the Light. If you are not inclined to celebrate Christ's birthday, this is also the time of solstice, or the coming of the light. Beginning on the 1st Sunday of Advent (we are now on the 3rd, but it's never too late), we set up an advent wreath with 4 candles.

The first Sunday is to celebrate the mineral kingdom. So you would put out seashells, special stones and a couple of gnomes since they are the ones working in the elemental places of the earth.

The second Sunday is the plant kingdom. So you would put out a special plant or start putting your greenery on the wreath.

The third is the animal kingdom. Bring out the animals for the stable or make something to go on the wreath. In Liam's school, a special animal comes to visit. Last year it was a cow, this year a puppy. Maybe go to a petting zoo or a farm to celebrate.

The fourth Sunday of course is the people or the child of light. You can make a little child to put in your stable or for the centre of the wreath. Children don't care about religion so much, but they do resonate with a special child arriving.

Some other ideas that we love:

1. Attend a Waldorf Christmas Fair. It doesn't look like the School in Santa Barbara had one, which is so odd to me, but maybe they will next year? This is such a special event in our school.

2. Make some window stars (as shown above). They bring so much light to the house and are so beautiful for the children to make. You will have a few coming your way in the mail, Liam wanted to make one for Jack and Isa.

3. Celebrate St. Nicholas Day

4. Make your gifts. Some of my favorites are:

-fort building kit which included home made giant bean bags, old sheets and play clips
-King or Queen cape for dress up
-A jar of dried flowers, lavender, shiny stars, pebbles for making "potions"
-knitting a small blanket for your daughter's baby or dish clothes for her kitchen

5. Go to a family service for Christmas eve. These are not so preachy, they are more just singing and a little play. They are usually only an hour long and happen around 5:00pm.

6. Find a few special books that you can read together during this season, or better yet, write a story for your children. We have a sweet one that was written by another parent, I'll send it to you.

It is so hard when we are bombarded with X-Mas hoopla only for everything to go 50% off the day after. It is such a feeling of let down, but it doesn't have to be. I know money is tight, we're with you sister, but a few of these ideas make such a difference for everyone.

I'd love to know what some of the things you to as a family are special. I love you so much.

p.s. My computer doesn't seem to want to download my pictures, so this window star isn't mine, but you will see it soon....

How was your weekend?

2009-11-08T15:57:00.000-08:00

Oh, to have a weekend away. Sounds so amazing. I can't wait to hear about it...

Downward facing dog and other life poses...

2009-11-04T21:35:00.000-08:00

Sorry I didn't ring this afternoon. The day got away from me and John is away for the next few days... But I wanted to send some pictures of our life throughout the past week- over my dad's visit and halloween. I will write more when I am feeling eloquent and creative, at this moment I am not. I just want to crawl into bed, eat cake and read. Unfortunately, we have no cake.

wish you were here

2009-10-30T10:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary:

It is really beautiful here. The leaves are all changing, the air is crisp, the tights and skirts are cozy and the fire is good company. I took the kids out the other day for a walk and took this really funny picture of them. It speaks so much to who they are. My son the naturalist, always looking at the plants, trees, leaves (he calls them the fall lanterns), so calmed by nature, it's really powerful for him. My daughter, who also loves to be outside, who inside is turning into a bit of a fashionista. She had just taken her hat off while she was walking towards me, she looks like she belongs in a catalog, carefree and happy on an autumn day. I would never to that to her, but it's pretty funny to see them from the other side of the lens. We went home and had tea and cookies, I love, love, love this time of year. What is it like in your neck of the woods or beach I should say?

what do we Canadians do when it gets cold?

2009-10-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

I was laughing at myself last night as Stefan and I crawled into bed together, not for a romantic evening, but to keep warm and to watch Californication. As I ran downstairs to get a more substantial snack (the salad I ate previously just wasn't doing it), I was laughing at the whole thing. We have this big, lovely house. But it is also an old house, one that in an ongoing project to figure out how to keep warm. Our hydro bills in the winter can reach up to $400.00 if we are not careful. So instead of sitting in the living room, where we could have built a fire, we turned down the heat, tucked in the kids and stayed warm under the down duvet whilst watching a marginally sleazy show if it weren't for the great one liners.

You Californians must think we are so funny, I still can't believe that it has been in the 90's there. You're hitting the beach while I'm putting on an extra layer. Tights and corduroy skirts are my winter uniform, oh and those pants that I didn't really have any say in purchasing. The funny thing is, despite the chilly house, the ridiculousness of our hot/cold duvet, there is something about this time of year that I just love and I wouldn't have it any other way. Well, maybe I would have a real TV and not have to watch shows on the laptop, but that's for later.

Love you.

The Ring of Fire

2009-10-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

So I'm in my group tonight and a mama brings in her new baby and is there to tell her birth experience to the group. Well, the topic of the ring of fire comes up and it hits me. I am currently in the ring of fire. Or maybe I am the ring of fire right now. Things are intense and I'm having to totally push through them. I am having to push through the fire and breathe. Breathe really well. So, I am sorry I have not rung you back. Things are busy, intense, and I feel as though I haven't had a free moment in the past 48 hours. I have wanted to call, maybe we can talk tomorrow.
How are you, Diary? How is life? I really want to talk with you about the visualization. I have not forgotten...I love you. I wish we could sit together at happy hour somewhere and tie one on...Smooch.

Wonderful laughter

2009-10-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

It went so well. Actually, better than I thought it could. I woke up yesterday morning, determined to face the day from a place of knowing, rather than not knowing. It worked. I loved our conversation. Thank you for your words of encouragement, and that laugh! Wow. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. It totally opened me up, like a good cry. I felt really open and receptive, i think b/c of that laugh, the next day. I couldn't make it to Starbucks on the way, but what should the first couple carry coming in that morning? Starbucks cups! Perfect. And the flow I had with my co-teacher went really well. Smooth, and we had a great balance. I gave up trying to please her and focused on doing what felt magical to me. It felt great. My spirit definitely came out. I had so many thoughts and revelations come up. Let's talk. I love you...By the way, I don't know who these women are, but I loved the picture.

foodie country

2009-09-27T21:11:00.000-07:00

So, I mentioned that we are in foodie country here. It's pretty amazing how people from all over the world are starting to flock here because of the slow pace of life, amazing wineries and cideries, local organic foods, and well, the scenery too. This is one of our favorite places to go. Merridale Cider. This cider is not to be mistaken for the liquor store cider. This is an estate cidery with heirloom apples that are all pressed and processed on their land. It is amazing. They also have a restaurant and in the summer months they have pizza night. We went again this year and had a great time. I should have taken a picture of the pizza but it is all wood oven baked and absolutely heavenly with a good glass of cider to go with it. Along with the other amazing places to eat and drink, I will take you here for sure when you come!

Too funny...

2009-09-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

Just read both of your blogs. I am laughing out loud from the last one. So true, until she gets PMS or hormonally challenged or feels completely resentful that she is doing all the work.Until she starts wanting to be served breakfast in bed, realizing that there needs to be more balance... Then she goes on a rampage and leaves like Thelma and Louise...

wouldn't you love to have a wife?

2009-09-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

She would cook and clean for you, do your laundry, remember all of your favorite things. The fridge would always be stocked, dinner on the table, children happy. She would keep the house tidy, remember what you told her about your day and never, ever forget a special occasion. Oh, and she would do nice things for you, just because. She would buy you flowers, for no particular reason and make you a cup of tea when you needed it most. She would let you sleep in, even though she had been up all night with the kids and happily send you on your way when you wanted to spend time with your friends. She wouldn't leave her clothes on the floor, because she would know how much that irritates you and she would love to take you shopping. When you go away on trips, she would organize everything, even the groceries the kids would like to eat and make sure that there was gas in the tank and cash in the wallet.

Today was our anniversary...I bought flowers, made a cake and cooked a pasta dinner even Jamie Oliver would have liked. As I was sitting down at the table with the words "but we went away for the weekend" still ringing in my ears, I thought to myself, it would be so nice to have a wife. Wouldn't you like one too?

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, I really do. I can't imagine my life without him and I am so happy to celebrate this day with him. However, I would still like a wife, it must be nice.

I have the best friend in the whole wide world

2009-09-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

I mean it. You really are. I am so glad that the fairy sent you a lovely package, you deserve it! I couldn't stop laughing at the idea of you having a tea party with yourself, well, us, well, maybe we both are "away with the fairies."

I hope you enjoy those cups, for whatever you put in them. Tea, water, a little nip whilst cooking supper...we all need beautiful things in our lives and we all need those exciting brown packages on our door steps from time to time. They are reminders of how much someone loves us, and thinks about us and knows how special it makes us feel. Don't we all want to feel special sometimes? I know that sounds so corny, but it's true.

This past weekend in Tofino, I say is my heart place. The place where, whenever I go, as soon as I can see the ocean and the surfers playing in it, peeking through the trees from the highway, I instantly feel elated. I love it there, like no other place. You are my heart friend, if you were a place, you would be Tofino. I can't wait to be with both of you, together next summer.

Thank you for listening to me today and for understanding. I really do love you.

A little fairy sent me the best package....

2009-09-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I just received the best package from my marvelous friend who lives in a far away land. But she doesn't seem that far, it seems as though I could just reach out and touch her-our energies are so in sync...Well, she sent me the most fabulous package a girl could ask for. I love it. I love the purse, love the owl. And love the pottery!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What gorgeous colors, I am going to make a pot of tea this afternoon and pretend I am British and have tea time with my gorgeous new cups. I am going to pretend that my friend is with me, and that we are eating chocolate and shortbread with our highly caffeinated tea. I am going to pretend that we are laughing, and gabbing, and laughing some more. My kids will think that I am nuts, having gone off the deep end laughing and talking to myself in the kitchen. Or maybe they will just imagine that I am having tea with my imaginary friend. That will be a suitable explanation for them. And I will be happy, drinking my tea, gazing out the window, imagining the time when we can meet in her far away land and laugh at all of the crazy hippies and waldorf nazis.

Breathe

2009-09-13T08:13:00.001-07:00

Sometimes we're just tired. Just let yourself feel that way. Give in to it, feel what you need to feel. It will go away. You probably just need some good old fashioned alone time to give yourself attention...I love you. Most likely, light will be created from any darkness.

Love our idea

2009-09-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

So the idea has been brewing. Steeping. Flowing it's flavor into my cup. I'm excited. I can see the article on those shiny pages in Mothering. It will happen if we want it to.

I think we should both start writing and then email each other what we have. Melt it together to make a great piece. You use your vision from your ruby slipper project and I'll use mine from my group.

Who knows? Maybe there is a book on the horizon...

did I deserve this?

2009-09-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, your last post had me laughing so hard, I couldn't stop. Not that your misfortune or ridiculous camping trip is something to laugh at. But COME ON! That is an unbelievable series of unfortunate events! If I were there right now, I would bring you chicken soup, good juice and some really good movies.

So you asked about my weekend? Well, I've been feeling pretty burnt out and after last weeks parent meeting, I couldn't cope with one more thing. So, I decided that since it was a long weekend, we would do something we never do, the place with all the "M"'s There was something wildly liberating about going through the drive thru and a little nostalgic.

I got home and told Stefan that I had dinner and as I stepped off the concrete in front of his office, my right foot caught something unstable and I went down like a ton of bricks. The drinks and food went flying and I found myself curled up on the ground holding onto my knee groaning with blinding pain. What I had stepped on was a brick that Liam had taken out of the ground and left sitting there, after Stefan told him a million times to put them back.

So I hobbled into the kitchen and like a five year old, winced at the pain and felt so nauseous at the sight of the hole in my knee. Stefan patched me up, but it hurt so much I couldn't sit at the table. After a while I decided to go upstairs and get changed.

I thought I heard Stefan calling me to come downstairs and so, I hobbled down our twisty staircase only to fall down it. One hurt knee, one very hurt right side of body. Then I started crying. Oh, and did I tell you I fell down the stairs the night before at 1:00am while I was going to get Violet who was screaming? Is this all bad karma for giving my kids "M" for dinner?

My knee is better today, although in hind sight I probably should have gone to get stitches. I still wince at the sight of it, but at least I can bend my knee and walk a little better.

So yeah, this Mercury in retrograde....SUCKS! If it weren't for the Ruby Slipper Project, I would just want to sleep through the rest of the month. I hope you feel better soon, or at least have someone take your kids so you can take care of yourself!

Love you lots.

Important Lesson: Never go camping while Mercury is in Retrograde

2009-09-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well. Camping is usually great. I love it. In fact, I love doing it with my kids. It's a lot of work to get there, but once we are we always end up having a fabulous time. No distractions. Just our family getting to really be present with each other.
We had this campout planned for the past few weeks. We were going with friends- two other families and their kids. Six kids in all, ranging from 9 years old to Isa's age. John was trailing up the boat because we were camping at a lake that allowing boating, swimming, fishing, you name it. Very exciting, one would think.
Well, I have to say I had bad feelings about going before I even went. I don't know why. Call it my sixth sense.
John left at the crack of dawn on Saturday to bring up the boat. The kids and I left around noon on Saturday for the 2 1/2 hour car ride. All went well with the ride, the kids slept and it was beautiful out.
Then we got there. The campsite was just ok, but we were practically on top of our neighbors. But what can one expect for Labor Day weekend, right? Then we see John and his friend. Uh oh. They did not look happy. Turns out, after riding in the boat for about an hour, testing it out on the lake before taking the small children, they had an electrical fire. The boat was toast. They were able to put it out but the boat was unusable. Not working. Dead as a doorknob.
So no boat rides with the kids. Bummer.
Then we wake up Saturday morning and we are all sick. Colds, runny noses, coughs, and I have a fever.
Then, John and Jack walk through a patch of stinging nettle and get it all over their legs.
Then, we go swimming in the lake and there are tiny leeches attached all over our feet and legs. There's something not right about having to peel leeches off of my two year olds feet...
Are you getting the picture?
Then I realize that Mercury is in retrograde and it all makes sense.
But, we rose to the occasion and still had a good time. The company was great. Our friends were fun and it was wonderful to spend time with them. The kids had a blast getting nice and filthy and were covered in a film of dirt and grime.
So... Needless to say, I got your message when I got back this afternoon but can not call you because I completely lost my voice. I woke up this morning, in the tent, barely able to talk, with a horrendous cough. So I'm sure it will be back tomorrow, and I will call you.
I love you , friend... Did you have a good weekend?

a party!

2009-09-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Today we went to a party. The little girl's name is also Violet and she was turning 4. It was the sweetest party. The mum, my good friend Devon (who is also the photographer), had made a little tea party for the girls (no boys at the party) with Fairy Tea, finger sandwiches, and pink shortbread cookies. She had brought out her wooden kitchen, doll house and ironing board. There was a place for the mums to sit on really nice chairs on the lawn. It was lovely. I love having a girl. What have you been up to?

Love you,

Catherine

Ah, television...

2009-08-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm going to admit it. It's 5:42, I have to cook dinner, I am having a drink, and I am so fried. I am exhausted. My day is filled with incessant whining. I have parked my kids in front of a sing along video because I need quiet. I need the blessed quiet. I need it bad. My period is ready to blow any minute now and I am so tired. There I said it. I am using the tv for a break and a deep breath. Ahhhhhhh, it feels good.
I have to hand it to you for being a tv free family. I really admire what you are doing. I wish we lived closer. I would love to drink wine with you and your friends! That must have been so much fun. Good to have girlfriends with whom you can let it all hang out, eh?

invisible threads

2009-08-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about you just now. Thinking that once I was done posting an ad for the crib, I would post here. And here you are. Talk about an invisible thread. I was trying to will you to call me today, but I was consumed with painting Violet's dresser in the hour Stefan gave me while he took the kids to the grocery store. I know what you mean about invisible threads, I totally get it. I can be away from the kids and really enjoy my time, sometimes not even wanting to come back, but that feeling is only temporary. It's like you say, I think about their touch, their voices (in my dream they are not screaming), their bright eyes. I'm locked in for life and it's a good thing.

We took Liam to the bike park today. He's mastering riding a pedal bike and found out that the bike jumps are much harder with the new ride than they were with the like-a-bike. It was fun to see him though, so little, but still trying to be like the big kids. I stole a couple of pictures with Violet. I just love how she is growing into herself. Her eyes are so expressive, they make me melt. It was a good day. A day without a time out. A day without yelling or frustration (at least on my part, Liam had a hard time with the bike). And now that the days are getting shorter, and Violet is dropping her nap (ugh!), we are back to 7:00 bedtime and a quiet nighttime house. I realized tonight how much that helps, when there is an end to the day. The summer heat and light has made that really difficult.

And about the cake...I want to eat it too. Cupcakes. Really yummy ones with icing. And a cold glass of milk. And TV. I was laying on the couch tonight staring at the nature table wishing it was a big screen TV with something good to watch. Maybe Six Feet Under or Jamie Oliver or a John Hughes movie (I loved his movies in the 80's, did you know he just died?) I was thinking about your living room and your comfy couch and watching movies. So fun. I was also thinking about those ridiculous peanut butter filled pretzels. Your health care system may be a mess, the rednecks sound like they are taking over Obama, but your snack foods, now that we just can't beat!

I hope you have a great day tomorrow. I have something for you, I'll put it in the mail this week.

Love always,

Catherine

Is Mercury in Retrograde or am I just really premenstrual?

2009-08-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes. I agree. Sometimes when I get a break and then come back to the kids, any bit of relaxation and peace I gained from my time off is quickly cancelled out. It's hard isn't it? I find that when I fight being so tired, I feel even more tired. And I find that it all depends on the stages our kids are in and where we are in our menstrual cycles and how we all mesh and groove together.

I really just want to eat cake. I really just want to sit in front of the tv and eat chocolate chip cookies. I really just want to crawl towards my cave where I can have uninterupted moon time. Where I can get my period and not do a damn thing. Where I can sleep and soak in a tub and pamper myself. Where I can read and write and draw and dream. Where I can be alone with my thoughts and sit in the quiet.

But, if that were the case, most likely, I would find myself thinking of my kids and wonder what they were doing and miss hearing their little voices and their silky touches. I would fantasize about how their breath and hair smelled and I would want to hold them. I don't think being alone will ever be the same for me now and in the future as it was prior to having kids. I definitely appreciate it so much when I get it now. But there are always invisible threads, that slightly tug on me when I am away. It's amazing to think that those threads will always be there, I will always be so connected to my kids that no matter where I am or where they are, I will forever be altered.

btw, this post totally took on a life of it's own... don't know where it came from...

tired

2009-08-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:
I'm tired. I'm tired of saying I'm tired. We had a great week alone with Violet and Liam's homecoming has been great too. Their rooms are looking lovely, I can't wait for you to see Violet's room. I bought an old dresser today (from the 40's) and I'm going to paint it pink and put glass knobs on it. I can't remember if I am just copying Isa's dresser or not, but I loved hers so much, it has inspired me.

But isn't it funny how not so long after a break, it all goes back to the same old so quickly? Violet wouldn't sleep alone last night. So after 5 trips up and down the stairs, I finally gave in and let her sleep with me. Stefan had to sleep in her bed because there isn't enough room for all of us in my bed. So once it was all settled and she was FINALLY asleep (11:30pm, ugh), I couldn't sleep. Isn't that insanity? I think I fell asleep around 1:00am. Nuts.

Today is back to the constant refereeing between the kids (this old picture of Liam describes him to a tee), errands, late naps and a pile of dishes. I would say I need a break, but I just had one. I guess I just need a better attitude and maybe some sleep remedy for my kids. I'm looking forward to school starting.

How are things there?

Love always,

Catherine

Summertime Carrot

2009-08-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

I loved our conversation today. It would be so great if we lived closer and our kids could garden together. Jack was so proud of this carrot he grew.

I hope this week is rejuvenating for you and that you get some good quality time with Violet. It will be a good time to reflect on how things are between you and Liam, I always find it helps to get space from someone to illuminate the dynamics. Also just frees things up a bit. Our kids must get tired of us and our fatigue and our moods. It's good for us all to get some space from one another.

I had a great group tonight. I had two new mamas, both with babies in group. Told their birth stories and then we did yoga. It was really sweet. I've been learning a lot from my group. It's good to get my mind going in that way.

I'm fried right now, I'm going to bed. I love you!!!

I get it

2009-08-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

I know, it is so hard sometimes. Our kids are at really challenging, intense ages. The sibling rivalry is beginning, they both are fighting for our attention, all the time. It is just intense. So, I get it, girlfriend. And you are a great mother. And it is okay for your kids to see you cry, throw a tantrum, or yell. They need to see that we are human and we make mistakes and we get upset. And sometimes we need to lose it, and let ourselves really cry and come undone, to truly be present with our family again.

You're great. And, this, too, shall pass. It's all just a phase. And things will get easier. And then harder. And then easier again. And one day we will be looking back at photos and remembering their chubby little hands and feet and wishing we could go back to these days. I try to remember that when I am about to lose it and start my own tantrum, which believe me, I do. I just started crying the other day in the car out of the blue. It was classic. John and the kids were like, what the fuck just happened to her???

whatever it takes

2009-08-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Kids are hard. It's even harder when other people think your kids are hard. It's demoralizing. You try to stand up for them, but a part of you agrees with them. You love them, but don't you ever have those times when you don't really like them? That's what it's been like lately. Everyday is a struggle, I dread the coming of the day. Two days ago, I had a meltdown. A real doozy. Swearing, crying (sobbing really), angry. The kids witnessed it, Violet cried, Liam tried to make things better. I officially felt like a slut mother.

I went to bed that night exhausted with the emotional volcano and then I realized something. What if Liam wasn't always to blame? What if other kids were doing things to him and he was fighting back. That day he told a kid he would kick him in the face, but then I found out that kid told him he wouldn't ever let him out of the fence. When we went camping he started swinging at another kid, but then I found out that kid was making fun of him. Now I'm not saying that his behaviour is ok, but it's also not always for nothing. Same with his sister. To keep her quiet, I get mad at him, but I'm seeing now that she screams because she knows I'll intervene, it's becoming a sport in our house.

So yesterday, I greeted Liam with love and the hopeful idea that today would be different. And it was. We went out to the westcoast for the day. Along the way, we stopped at Lizard Lake and held a salamander. Then we went out to Botanical Beach and explored the forest and the tide pools. We saw eagles, crabs, sea stars, huge waves, explored a cave, found some gnomie homes, ate at a super yummy cafe (fresh clams steamed with wine, garlic and shallots) and by the time we got home, no one had been in trouble the whole day.

So this is what it takes for peace in my home. A little understanding, seeing my kids for who they are and standing up for them and a day of good, honest fun, outside in the healing space of nature. I'd love to bring you there and share a bucket of clams with you.

Here's to a new day.

Tooth fairy time

2009-08-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

So... I forgot to tell you that Jack lost a tooth. Big news. He was psyched. The tooth fairy came and left him a dollar coin, in the pouch that you made that you gave me with my birthday necklace. I found some old purple eyeshadow and made little fairy footprints along his window sill to his window, and along his bed in a trail to his pillow. He thought it was so cool. But he totally busted me and said, "mom, i thought fairy dust was golden..." So it was sweet. Now his other bottom tooth is loose.

I haven't called you back yet from last night. I went to my girlfriend's house to hang out for a bit last night and had a glass of wine. So I didn't get home until later. The kids and I had one of those great mornings together, when everything flows and they are each being so good. We went up to Ojai and went to the animal shelter to look and pet the animals, then went to the park and had a picnic and then walked and got a cone. We played in an outdoor fountain and got all wet, and it was hot there, so it felt so good. We all drove home red faced and happy. I wish it was more often when both kids are really in good moods and I can thoroughly enjoy them together. When one is in a fussy mood, it definitely affects everything... I wish we could have more days like today together.

Surf Sister

2009-08-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, we just got home from Tofino, God's country really. This has to be one of the most amazing places on earth. Now, I know every Canadian says that, but so do the German, Dutch, British and well, didn't I tell you...Arizona loves it too! I meant to take pictures of the licence plates, it's pretty funny. Anyways, I tried my hand at a bit of boogie boarding, I felt like the adventuresome girl that I once was came alive once again.

I used to travel to crazy places, go on week long wilderness hiking trips, swim naked in moonlit waters, and then I had kids. It all went into hibernation until this week. Being in the surf, riding the waves in the sun with all of the others enjoying the same was so exhilarating. I thought of you every day. There is a place in Tofino called Surf Sister. They have surf camps for women only and I want you and I to go. After all, shouldn't two souls sisters also become surf sisters? This is a culture I could really get into.

So here's what I'm thinking...next June when you come, you and I head out to Tofino for a surfing weekend. We can either camp or stay at a b&b. Just you and me and the wide open ocean. Let's set the date, we deserve it.

I love you. I love the card you sent, I'm sending one your way. Oh and your fairy crown, amazing, your kids are gorgeous.

Fairy Crown

2009-07-31T17:52:00.000-07:00

I made Isa a fairy crown for her birthday. I wove fresh lavender from our garden with embroidery floss... It took me a while but I loved the process. When I was finally done, I was so proud of it and happy with it. Isa could have cared less. She actually didn't want anything to do with it. I wanted to force it on her head, but realized this was a road that could turn ugly, and my beautiful creation could turn to pieces on the floor. Instead, my older, civilized child fell in love with it. He appreciated the artistic work! He loved it! I realized that it was meant for him. It was his big brother crown. He wanted it from the beginning and when I was finished he couldn't wait to put it on.

A Homebaked Birthday

2009-07-31T17:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever read "A Homemade Life?" It's a foodie book, written by a woman who has a great blog, called Orangette. She wrote a book about her life which includes incredible recipes. These chocolate cupcakes are a recipe from this book, they are amazing! Coffee, dark chocolate, whole milk yogurt... So good!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll have to give you the recipe...

I found it funny that I was making cupcakes with coffee in them for a 2 year old's birthday...

Happy You You!

2009-07-31T17:34:00.000-07:00

Well, she is two, now. I made a vanilla cake with awesome chocolate icing. She totally knew it was her birthday. What was so cute was how innocent she was. I forgot that at this age they don't realize that there are presents that go along with birthdays. She would have been happy with just the cake. Or the balloons or streamers. I loved how simple her joy was. Her ecstasy with the chocolate and the amazement in her eyes as we sang to her.

I was sad, too. Sad that she really is now a toddler. Each day she is growing so beautifully, but I am losing those milky baby days.

darling

2009-07-23T19:07:00.001-07:00

Dear Friend:

I love the apron you sent, it is absolutely lovely. I put my apron on yesterday to cook supper and she wanted to wear hers too, so I took some photos for you. I hope you're having a good week. I love you always.

snapshot of my life

2009-07-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

So you may be wondering what my life around here actually looks like, well, here is the illustrated version. Oh, and I Love, Love, Love beets. I have 4 rows growing in the garden, both red and golden, yum!

Violet has a tantrum and puts herself under the bed. It takes me 20 min to get her out.

Later that day I decide to do what I vowed I would never do, drive thru-dinner. I couldn't handle the idea of cooking...it's 30 C here!

Friday, we decide to go to the Children's parade for Summer Fest. Violet is ready to go for her ride behind me on the bike!

Liam enters the parade as a knight on his wooden bike. At the end of the parade, everyone gets ice cream!

Two days ago we go to the river, I'm going squirrly at home. This is the suspension bridge over the river and here they are playing, thank god!

This is the morning of hope. Could we get through a day without tantrums? Every morning I wake up with hopeful optimism that this day will be different. For the most part, it has. I love coming into the kitchen when the sun is shining on my cup of tea!

A day at home (with only a short trip to the farm) has proved (so far) to be a rather peaceful day. Only one incident that resulted in yet another trip to his room. Can I put myself on a time out? I can't wait to one day have tea with you in my sunny kitchen.

Love you!

Letting Go

2009-07-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ps. I love your last post. It's so sad, and true. I feel the same way. I can't believe our children are growing so fast. We must enjoy it because it is so impermanent! What you wrote is beautiful. How blessed we are to feel so deeply. Isn't it great that you could cry that hard about it? You could be that open? Pretty amazing that your children have opened you up so.

Beets, anyone?

2009-07-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Don't you just love beets? Roasted with olive oil, salt and pepper? Thrown together with goat cheese and arugula? Mmmmm.... Or raw and grated in salad? Yum. They're so earthy. And they remind me of my mom-mom, my mom's mother; she used to have cans of pickled beets stored in her stairway going down into her cellar. As a kid, I always thought the idea of them was disgusting. But now, their inky red juice is beloved to me.

I love your ideas surrounding the Ruby Slipper Project. I'm letting your creativity motivate me, it's helping push me into creating more for myself. I have been asking myself- how can I create work in which I can go deep with people? I LOVE when people have a ha moments. I want to facilitate work where people are creating that for themselves, and I am helping to guide them... Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud...

Can't wait to see a picture of Violet cooking in her apron. She's such a doll.

Sweet dreams...

unexpected

2009-07-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

I was hit with an ocean of sadness yesterday, one that I didn't expect. This morning I was speaking to a friend on the phone about how mind-numbingly lonely being a full time stay at home mum has been for me since school and daycare went on summer vacation. I started crying, crying in a way I haven't done in months. Crying in a way I didn't even do when our little friend died. All of a sudden I was hit with the stark reality that with the arrival of my daughter's 2nd birthday, it is also the final departure of my childbearing days. Now I know many people would think, "aren't you so relieved? No more sleepless nights, no more non-stop breastfeeding, no more birthing?"

Those things that I should feel happy to see take a seat in my past are things that loudly define my new role in this world, with myself and my family. I realized that for the past 6 years I have held the label of the young mother. There is something romantic about that, something sweet, something forgiving. I feel that slipping away along with each birthday that my children have. So while I am so happy to see my children grow into beautiful healthy beings, I feel myself grieving a time that no longer will be. I had no idea this was coming. This is a transition I did not expect, nor was I fully prepared for.

It's interesting, in this time of transition, unknown change, I find myself re-evaluating my life, my business, my priorities. I am surprised to find myself deeply considering putting my work on the back burner for a while, or at least slowing the pace. I am seeing in it's full light for the first time, how fully precious this time is and how quickly it is gone. I always knew that and I've experienced it with Liam, but with him there was always the knowledge that there was a continuum, there would be another child to follow, another chance to experience it all over again, another chance to do it differently. There is no more after this one. This is it. It is a hard one to swallow today as I choke it down with the tears of a life I am looking at through the rear view mirror. And at the same time, seeing my children, my daughter beside me, now looking forward. Letting go is so hard.

Violet was 5 months old when this picture was taken. All I wanted at that time was for her to sleep. Now, at 2 years old, I actually got her out of her bed last night and brought her into mine. I actually savour those moments in the night now. If only I could go back and talk to myself then and let myself know what I know now.

a wonderful day

2009-07-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Violet turned two yesterday, I can't believe it. Where did my baby go? How am I the mother of a 5 year old and a toddler? We had such a great day yesterday, a little party, good food and a chocolate heart cake with cream and raspberries! Her midwife, my very dear friend Amy, drove 2 hours to come to the party, it meant so much to me to have her there.

I find myself reflecting on the past two years, because as my dear friend reminds me, that it is also "Happy you gave birth-day" I think about her birth, surviving her first year and now surviving another. Things I would have done differently and things I would do again in a heartbeat. And something I am really proud of....she is still breastfeeding. Liam weened himself at a year and it was fully his decision not mine. Violet still nursing is such a gift for both of us, it is that one thing that even though she is now a toddler, we still have this lovely thing that is just between her and I.

So now as she is becoming a full fledged toddler, I miss the baby she once was, but I am loving the child that she is blossoming into.

P.S.

We were all so excited to see her video birthday card, I think we watched Isa singing about 20 times. Violet is already in love with her.

She's Two...

2009-07-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to your sweet daughter. Happy Birthday to you, too, b/c it's just as much a celebration for you. You have raised a beautiful, healthy, happy and vibrant little girl for the past 2 years. You are an extraordinary mama. Give your girl a big smooch from her California Auntie.

what was I thinking?

2009-07-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Today was rediculous, no really, it was a joke, a cruel one at that. My day started off great, coffee in hand, soul sister on the phone, I had high hopes. But from then on, it just went downhill, like a black diamond ski run. The kids were miserable, I was tired and distracted by the colour lady coming at 3:30. Naps never happened, there was no reprieve from the constant crying and questions and general clingyness. Liam was like one of those burrs that gets stuck to you when you are gardening and no matter how much you try to get it off, it just sticks to something else.

A trip to the toystore to buy Violet's present, a trip to the vintage store to find her a dresser and then home to make dinner. 4:00, paint lady comes, kids are ballistic. Screaming, running, fighting, it was like trying to get something done in the midst of a tornado. Colour swatches everywhere, it was all too overwhelming, turquoise, pink, lavender, orange, how should I know what colour to pick? So much commitment, trying to choose, not wanting to make another mistake. Finally I called Stefan to come in to get Liam, I thought I was genuinely going to loose my mind.

5:10 rolls around, $50.00 later, not sure if I even picked colours I wanted, Stefan comes in to eat dinner. This is the first time I have EVER wanted to eat alone. I didn't, but I didn't say much either. Thank God for a good husband. He took them out for a walk right after dinner. I consoled myself with the remaining ice cream, right out of the carton and a spoon while I went on the computer. An angel reminded me that there was a La Leche Legue meeting tonight, so I left the house and went. I feel better. I'm still confused about the paint colours but I have higher hopes for tomorrow.

Butterfly world looked like much more fun.

Are we having fun yet?

2009-07-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

So today we ventured up to Santa Barbara to go to the butterfly pavilion to walk amidst the fluttering beauties. This picture captures the vibe at the beginning of the outing. I was scared. We were stuck waiting in a bit of a line and Isa wasn't having it. It wasn't as romantic as I would have hoped for. Jack loved it, but Isa was pretty tired, and was falling all over the place and trying to climb up to grab the butterflies. But it was sweet, b/c the last time they had this exhibit was when I was pregnant with Isa, same exact time of year, maybe to the week, 2 years ago. I found this picture from that time.

Anyway, we had a great day, went to the beach afterwards and splashed in the waves and ate watermelon.
Can you believe our girls are turning 2? I'm feeling quite sentimental lately. It's going so quick. Do you ever feel sad that the baby days are going by? I do.

The peaches are blooming on our tree, exploding with flavor and juice. Can you smell them? Their fuzzy skins radiate honey loveliness....

if I could come to your party...

2009-07-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

I would wear this. I wish I could be there to celebrate you and your life that we are all so blessed to share in. I would love to share one of those cupcakes....with a glass of milk, yum. I will think of you in your beautiful orange party dress having a great time. I will be driving to Comox to teach for the weekend. One day I hope we can both be together in wonderful party dresses.

Happy Birthday friend.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful

2009-07-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

So I was adventurous and made flourless chocolate cupcakes... It took me two rounds to get them right. My girlfriends and I are going out and having a bit of a party tonight with drinks and cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. So, I made the cupcakes and I figured, since it's my bday, I should go big, right? So, I made flourless chocolate cupcakes with mascarpone icing. The first batch totally sunk through the middle b/c they were big, made with an oversized muffin tin. They were so rich that I almost felt sick after 4 bites. So, with the next batch I used a regular sized muffin tin and they turned out much better. Making cupcakes for myself for my birthday was great, felt self-indulgent to make something so heavy, rich and loaded with fat. But life should be celebrated and eaten with gusto right? If I'm going to have a full plate in life, I want it loaded with good food, and especially lots of cupcakes.

days of summer...

2009-07-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:
I am so happy that my friend wrote back, those figs look amazing, even though I don't like eating them. I love that the box says, "produce of USA" I often think that all produce comes from the USA or Mexico, except at this time of year, we have lots of treats ourselves...like Everbearing strawberries, yum.

A couple of days ago I took the kids to Victoria to hang out and go and sail Liam's boat that he made at school. It's really neat. He painted it himself and dyed the silk at school. It was a great day of lunch at Rebar ( I hope Laurel can come with me someday), shopping in the city, flying a kite that broke that we took back to the store and sailing Liam's boat.

Today hasn't been that stellar. Kids are out of sorts, my morning was filled with boring errands, taxes, groceries, picking things up for my class, Gong Show doesn't really do that experience justice.
Speaking of Gong Show's I can't believe that woman in my friend's class, key chain names? How rude and insulting. I think key chain names are great! People know how to say them and how to spell them. I think it is a curse parents put on their children that give them crazy names, especially with silent letters. I mean really, it's bad enough I have to go through life spelling my last name out everytime someone needs to write it down, but your first name too? Is this a new form of evolved snob? Jack is a fine name, it's good, honest and solid. I'm not sure I could trust a Xenaphon, let alone say it.

I've always wanted a pen pal...

2009-07-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

My friend, Catherine, is so brilliant. No really. She really, really is. What a fantastic idea. I am so lucky to have her in my life, talk about being meant to meet someone. When I met her up at a Birthing From Within retreat in Canada, I knew SHE was the reason I was pulled to this retreat. I always thought it was odd that I decided to go to a retreat in the middle of Canada when they offer them here in CA way more often. Anyway, she is my star crossed sister.

So my week has turned out WAY better than last. Last week sucked so bad. No, I'm not being dramatic. Last week with two sick kids really took me to the edge. Or should I say, to the ledge.
Well, now I have come down off the ledge and begun to enjoy life again being home with my kids this summer.

This week has consisted of eating fresh, juicy, ready to explode figs, right off the tree from a fig farm of one of our neighbors. Figs are one of Jack's favorites. We have a countdown in the summer until fig season.

We made bread, which turned out awesome. I'm hoping to follow in my mom's hard to fill Tassajara Bread footsteps.

We have been splashing in the waves, digging in the sand and eating lots of dripping watermelon.
I had my group last night and it was really sweet. One mama had her baby a few weeks ago and she brought her in for us all to meet. So precious to hold such a wee one. And it was cool to witness the first time mamas watch her with her baby and you could see their excitement and wonder. I have more to tell Catherine, too, when we talk.

So, diary, send my love to Catherine and I hope she has sweet, Fairy filled dreams tonight. I love her.

dear diary...I miss my friend

2009-07-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Since my soul sister and I can't live in the same town, I decided to start a diary. This way we can tell each other what we did during the day and then we won't miss each other so much. Today is Canada Day and so Stefan had the day off. We went to the beach, played in the water park, came home for a rest and had a picnic on the lawn for supper. It was a great day. I still miss my friend though...I hope she writes back.

Love,

C.