Fairy Crown

I made Isa a fairy crown for her birthday. I wove fresh lavender from our garden with embroidery floss... It took me a while but I loved the process. When I was finally done, I was so proud of it and happy with it. Isa could have cared less. She actually didn't want anything to do with it. I wanted to force it on her head, but realized this was a road that could turn ugly, and my beautiful creation could turn to pieces on the floor. Instead, my older, civilized child fell in love with it. He appreciated the artistic work! He loved it! I realized that it was meant for him. It was his big brother crown. He wanted it from the beginning and when I was finished he couldn't wait to put it on.

A Homebaked Birthday

Have you ever read "A Homemade Life?" It's a foodie book, written by a woman who has a great blog, called Orangette. She wrote a book about her life which includes incredible recipes. These chocolate cupcakes are a recipe from this book, they are amazing! Coffee, dark chocolate, whole milk yogurt... So good!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll have to give you the recipe...

I found it funny that I was making cupcakes with coffee in them for a 2 year old's birthday...

Happy You You!

Well, she is two, now. I made a vanilla cake with awesome chocolate icing. She totally knew it was her birthday. What was so cute was how innocent she was. I forgot that at this age they don't realize that there are presents that go along with birthdays. She would have been happy with just the cake. Or the balloons or streamers. I loved how simple her joy was. Her ecstasy with the chocolate and the amazement in her eyes as we sang to her.

I was sad, too. Sad that she really is now a toddler. Each day she is growing so beautifully, but I am losing those milky baby days.

darling

Dear Friend:

I love the apron you sent, it is absolutely lovely. I put my apron on yesterday to cook supper and she wanted to wear hers too, so I took some photos for you. I hope you're having a good week. I love you always.

snapshot of my life

So you may be wondering what my life around here actually looks like, well, here is the illustrated version. Oh, and I Love, Love, Love beets. I have 4 rows growing in the garden, both red and golden, yum!

Violet has a tantrum and puts herself under the bed. It takes me 20 min to get her out.







Later that day I decide to do what I vowed I would never do, drive thru-dinner. I couldn't handle the idea of cooking...it's 30 C here!














Friday, we decide to go to the Children's parade for Summer Fest. Violet is ready to go for her ride behind me on the bike!
























Liam enters the parade as a knight on his wooden bike. At the end of the parade, everyone gets ice cream!















Two days ago we go to the river, I'm going squirrly at home. This is the suspension bridge over the river and here they are playing, thank god!







This is the morning of hope. Could we get through a day without tantrums? Every morning I wake up with hopeful optimism that this day will be different. For the most part, it has. I love coming into the kitchen when the sun is shining on my cup of tea!



A day at home (with only a short trip to the farm) has proved (so far) to be a rather peaceful day. Only one incident that resulted in yet another trip to his room. Can I put myself on a time out? I can't wait to one day have tea with you in my sunny kitchen.

Love you!

Letting Go

Ps. I love your last post. It's so sad, and true. I feel the same way. I can't believe our children are growing so fast. We must enjoy it because it is so impermanent! What you wrote is beautiful. How blessed we are to feel so deeply. Isn't it great that you could cry that hard about it? You could be that open? Pretty amazing that your children have opened you up so.

Beets, anyone?

Dear Diary,
Don't you just love beets? Roasted with olive oil, salt and pepper? Thrown together with goat cheese and arugula? Mmmmm.... Or raw and grated in salad? Yum. They're so earthy. And they remind me of my mom-mom, my mom's mother; she used to have cans of pickled beets stored in her stairway going down into her cellar. As a kid, I always thought the idea of them was disgusting. But now, their inky red juice is beloved to me.

I love your ideas surrounding the Ruby Slipper Project. I'm letting your creativity motivate me, it's helping push me into creating more for myself. I have been asking myself- how can I create work in which I can go deep with people? I LOVE when people have a ha moments. I want to facilitate work where people are creating that for themselves, and I am helping to guide them... Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud...

Can't wait to see a picture of Violet cooking in her apron. She's such a doll.

Sweet dreams...

unexpected

Dear Diary:

I was hit with an ocean of sadness yesterday, one that I didn't expect. This morning I was speaking to a friend on the phone about how mind-numbingly lonely being a full time stay at home mum has been for me since school and daycare went on summer vacation. I started crying, crying in a way I haven't done in months. Crying in a way I didn't even do when our little friend died. All of a sudden I was hit with the stark reality that with the arrival of my daughter's 2nd birthday, it is also the final departure of my childbearing days. Now I know many people would think, "aren't you so relieved? No more sleepless nights, no more non-stop breastfeeding, no more birthing?"

Those things that I should feel happy to see take a seat in my past are things that loudly define my new role in this world, with myself and my family. I realized that for the past 6 years I have held the label of the young mother. There is something romantic about that, something sweet, something forgiving. I feel that slipping away along with each birthday that my children have. So while I am so happy to see my children grow into beautiful healthy beings, I feel myself grieving a time that no longer will be. I had no idea this was coming. This is a transition I did not expect, nor was I fully prepared for.

It's interesting, in this time of transition, unknown change, I find myself re-evaluating my life, my business, my priorities. I am surprised to find myself deeply considering putting my work on the back burner for a while, or at least slowing the pace. I am seeing in it's full light for the first time, how fully precious this time is and how quickly it is gone. I always knew that and I've experienced it with Liam, but with him there was always the knowledge that there was a continuum, there would be another child to follow, another chance to experience it all over again, another chance to do it differently. There is no more after this one. This is it. It is a hard one to swallow today as I choke it down with the tears of a life I am looking at through the rear view mirror. And at the same time, seeing my children, my daughter beside me, now looking forward. Letting go is so hard.

Violet was 5 months old when this picture was taken. All I wanted at that time was for her to sleep. Now, at 2 years old, I actually got her out of her bed last night and brought her into mine. I actually savour those moments in the night now. If only I could go back and talk to myself then and let myself know what I know now.

a wonderful day

Dear Diary:

Violet turned two yesterday, I can't believe it. Where did my baby go? How am I the mother of a 5 year old and a toddler? We had such a great day yesterday, a little party, good food and a chocolate heart cake with cream and raspberries! Her midwife, my very dear friend Amy, drove 2 hours to come to the party, it meant so much to me to have her there.

I find myself reflecting on the past two years, because as my dear friend reminds me, that it is also "Happy you gave birth-day" I think about her birth, surviving her first year and now surviving another. Things I would have done differently and things I would do again in a heartbeat. And something I am really proud of....she is still breastfeeding. Liam weened himself at a year and it was fully his decision not mine. Violet still nursing is such a gift for both of us, it is that one thing that even though she is now a toddler, we still have this lovely thing that is just between her and I.

So now as she is becoming a full fledged toddler, I miss the baby she once was, but I am loving the child that she is blossoming into.














P.S.

We were all so excited to see her video birthday card, I think we watched Isa singing about 20 times. Violet is already in love with her.

She's Two...

Happy Birthday to your sweet daughter. Happy Birthday to you, too, b/c it's just as much a celebration for you. You have raised a beautiful, healthy, happy and vibrant little girl for the past 2 years. You are an extraordinary mama. Give your girl a big smooch from her California Auntie.

what was I thinking?

Dear Diary:

Today was rediculous, no really, it was a joke, a cruel one at that. My day started off great, coffee in hand, soul sister on the phone, I had high hopes. But from then on, it just went downhill, like a black diamond ski run. The kids were miserable, I was tired and distracted by the colour lady coming at 3:30. Naps never happened, there was no reprieve from the constant crying and questions and general clingyness. Liam was like one of those burrs that gets stuck to you when you are gardening and no matter how much you try to get it off, it just sticks to something else.

A trip to the toystore to buy Violet's present, a trip to the vintage store to find her a dresser and then home to make dinner. 4:00, paint lady comes, kids are ballistic. Screaming, running, fighting, it was like trying to get something done in the midst of a tornado. Colour swatches everywhere, it was all too overwhelming, turquoise, pink, lavender, orange, how should I know what colour to pick? So much commitment, trying to choose, not wanting to make another mistake. Finally I called Stefan to come in to get Liam, I thought I was genuinely going to loose my mind.

5:10 rolls around, $50.00 later, not sure if I even picked colours I wanted, Stefan comes in to eat dinner. This is the first time I have EVER wanted to eat alone. I didn't, but I didn't say much either. Thank God for a good husband. He took them out for a walk right after dinner. I consoled myself with the remaining ice cream, right out of the carton and a spoon while I went on the computer. An angel reminded me that there was a La Leche Legue meeting tonight, so I left the house and went. I feel better. I'm still confused about the paint colours but I have higher hopes for tomorrow.

Butterfly world looked like much more fun.

Are we having fun yet?

So today we ventured up to Santa Barbara to go to the butterfly pavilion to walk amidst the fluttering beauties. This picture captures the vibe at the beginning of the outing. I was scared. We were stuck waiting in a bit of a line and Isa wasn't having it. It wasn't as romantic as I would have hoped for. Jack loved it, but Isa was pretty tired, and was falling all over the place and trying to climb up to grab the butterflies. But it was sweet, b/c the last time they had this exhibit was when I was pregnant with Isa, same exact time of year, maybe to the week, 2 years ago. I found this picture from that time.




Anyway, we had a great day, went to the beach afterwards and splashed in the waves and ate watermelon.
Can you believe our girls are turning 2? I'm feeling quite sentimental lately. It's going so quick. Do you ever feel sad that the baby days are going by? I do.


The peaches are blooming on our tree, exploding with flavor and juice. Can you smell them? Their fuzzy skins radiate honey loveliness....

if I could come to your party...

I would wear this. I wish I could be there to celebrate you and your life that we are all so blessed to share in. I would love to share one of those cupcakes....with a glass of milk, yum. I will think of you in your beautiful orange party dress having a great time. I will be driving to Comox to teach for the weekend. One day I hope we can both be together in wonderful party dresses.

Happy Birthday friend.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful

So I was adventurous and made flourless chocolate cupcakes... It took me two rounds to get them right. My girlfriends and I are going out and having a bit of a party tonight with drinks and cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. So, I made the cupcakes and I figured, since it's my bday, I should go big, right? So, I made flourless chocolate cupcakes with mascarpone icing. The first batch totally sunk through the middle b/c they were big, made with an oversized muffin tin. They were so rich that I almost felt sick after 4 bites. So, with the next batch I used a regular sized muffin tin and they turned out much better. Making cupcakes for myself for my birthday was great, felt self-indulgent to make something so heavy, rich and loaded with fat. But life should be celebrated and eaten with gusto right? If I'm going to have a full plate in life, I want it loaded with good food, and especially lots of cupcakes.

days of summer...

Dear Diary:
I am so happy that my friend wrote back, those figs look amazing, even though I don't like eating them. I love that the box says, "produce of USA" I often think that all produce comes from the USA or Mexico, except at this time of year, we have lots of treats ourselves...like Everbearing strawberries, yum.






A couple of days ago I took the kids to Victoria to hang out and go and sail Liam's boat that he made at school. It's really neat. He painted it himself and dyed the silk at school. It was a great day of lunch at Rebar ( I hope Laurel can come with me someday), shopping in the city, flying a kite that broke that we took back to the store and sailing Liam's boat.

Today hasn't been that stellar. Kids are out of sorts, my morning was filled with boring errands, taxes, groceries, picking things up for my class, Gong Show doesn't really do that experience justice.
Speaking of Gong Show's I can't believe that woman in my friend's class, key chain names? How rude and insulting. I think key chain names are great! People know how to say them and how to spell them. I think it is a curse parents put on their children that give them crazy names, especially with silent letters. I mean really, it's bad enough I have to go through life spelling my last name out everytime someone needs to write it down, but your first name too? Is this a new form of evolved snob? Jack is a fine name, it's good, honest and solid. I'm not sure I could trust a Xenaphon, let alone say it.

I've always wanted a pen pal...

Dear Diary,

My friend, Catherine, is so brilliant. No really. She really, really is. What a fantastic idea. I am so lucky to have her in my life, talk about being meant to meet someone. When I met her up at a Birthing From Within retreat in Canada, I knew SHE was the reason I was pulled to this retreat. I always thought it was odd that I decided to go to a retreat in the middle of Canada when they offer them here in CA way more often. Anyway, she is my star crossed sister.

So my week has turned out WAY better than last. Last week sucked so bad. No, I'm not being dramatic. Last week with two sick kids really took me to the edge. Or should I say, to the ledge.
Well, now I have come down off the ledge and begun to enjoy life again being home with my kids this summer.

This week has consisted of eating fresh, juicy, ready to explode figs, right off the tree from a fig farm of one of our neighbors. Figs are one of Jack's favorites. We have a countdown in the summer until fig season.

We made bread, which turned out awesome. I'm hoping to follow in my mom's hard to fill Tassajara Bread footsteps.

We have been splashing in the waves, digging in the sand and eating lots of dripping watermelon.
I had my group last night and it was really sweet. One mama had her baby a few weeks ago and she brought her in for us all to meet. So precious to hold such a wee one. And it was cool to witness the first time mamas watch her with her baby and you could see their excitement and wonder. I have more to tell Catherine, too, when we talk.

So, diary, send my love to Catherine and I hope she has sweet, Fairy filled dreams tonight. I love her.

dear diary...I miss my friend

Dear Diary,

Since my soul sister and I can't live in the same town, I decided to start a diary. This way we can tell each other what we did during the day and then we won't miss each other so much. Today is Canada Day and so Stefan had the day off. We went to the beach, played in the water park, came home for a rest and had a picnic on the lawn for supper. It was a great day. I still miss my friend though...I hope she writes back.

Love,

C.