Ah, television...

Ok, so I'm going to admit it. It's 5:42, I have to cook dinner, I am having a drink, and I am so fried. I am exhausted. My day is filled with incessant whining. I have parked my kids in front of a sing along video because I need quiet. I need the blessed quiet. I need it bad. My period is ready to blow any minute now and I am so tired. There I said it. I am using the tv for a break and a deep breath. Ahhhhhhh, it feels good.
I have to hand it to you for being a tv free family. I really admire what you are doing. I wish we lived closer. I would love to drink wine with you and your friends! That must have been so much fun. Good to have girlfriends with whom you can let it all hang out, eh?

invisible threads

I was thinking about you just now. Thinking that once I was done posting an ad for the crib, I would post here. And here you are. Talk about an invisible thread. I was trying to will you to call me today, but I was consumed with painting Violet's dresser in the hour Stefan gave me while he took the kids to the grocery store. I know what you mean about invisible threads, I totally get it. I can be away from the kids and really enjoy my time, sometimes not even wanting to come back, but that feeling is only temporary. It's like you say, I think about their touch, their voices (in my dream they are not screaming), their bright eyes. I'm locked in for life and it's a good thing.

We took Liam to the bike park today. He's mastering riding a pedal bike and found out that the bike jumps are much harder with the new ride than they were with the like-a-bike. It was fun to see him though, so little, but still trying to be like the big kids. I stole a couple of pictures with Violet. I just love how she is growing into herself. Her eyes are so expressive, they make me melt. It was a good day. A day without a time out. A day without yelling or frustration (at least on my part, Liam had a hard time with the bike). And now that the days are getting shorter, and Violet is dropping her nap (ugh!), we are back to 7:00 bedtime and a quiet nighttime house. I realized tonight how much that helps, when there is an end to the day. The summer heat and light has made that really difficult.

And about the cake...I want to eat it too. Cupcakes. Really yummy ones with icing. And a cold glass of milk. And TV. I was laying on the couch tonight staring at the nature table wishing it was a big screen TV with something good to watch. Maybe Six Feet Under or Jamie Oliver or a John Hughes movie (I loved his movies in the 80's, did you know he just died?) I was thinking about your living room and your comfy couch and watching movies. So fun. I was also thinking about those ridiculous peanut butter filled pretzels. Your health care system may be a mess, the rednecks sound like they are taking over Obama, but your snack foods, now that we just can't beat!

I hope you have a great day tomorrow. I have something for you, I'll put it in the mail this week.

Love always,

Catherine

Is Mercury in Retrograde or am I just really premenstrual?

Ah, yes. I agree. Sometimes when I get a break and then come back to the kids, any bit of relaxation and peace I gained from my time off is quickly cancelled out. It's hard isn't it? I find that when I fight being so tired, I feel even more tired. And I find that it all depends on the stages our kids are in and where we are in our menstrual cycles and how we all mesh and groove together.

I really just want to eat cake. I really just want to sit in front of the tv and eat chocolate chip cookies. I really just want to crawl towards my cave where I can have uninterupted moon time. Where I can get my period and not do a damn thing. Where I can sleep and soak in a tub and pamper myself. Where I can read and write and draw and dream. Where I can be alone with my thoughts and sit in the quiet.

But, if that were the case, most likely, I would find myself thinking of my kids and wonder what they were doing and miss hearing their little voices and their silky touches. I would fantasize about how their breath and hair smelled and I would want to hold them. I don't think being alone will ever be the same for me now and in the future as it was prior to having kids. I definitely appreciate it so much when I get it now. But there are always invisible threads, that slightly tug on me when I am away. It's amazing to think that those threads will always be there, I will always be so connected to my kids that no matter where I am or where they are, I will forever be altered.

btw, this post totally took on a life of it's own... don't know where it came from...

tired

Dear Diary:
I'm tired. I'm tired of saying I'm tired. We had a great week alone with Violet and Liam's homecoming has been great too. Their rooms are looking lovely, I can't wait for you to see Violet's room. I bought an old dresser today (from the 40's) and I'm going to paint it pink and put glass knobs on it. I can't remember if I am just copying Isa's dresser or not, but I loved hers so much, it has inspired me.

But isn't it funny how not so long after a break, it all goes back to the same old so quickly? Violet wouldn't sleep alone last night. So after 5 trips up and down the stairs, I finally gave in and let her sleep with me. Stefan had to sleep in her bed because there isn't enough room for all of us in my bed. So once it was all settled and she was FINALLY asleep (11:30pm, ugh), I couldn't sleep. Isn't that insanity? I think I fell asleep around 1:00am. Nuts.

Today is back to the constant refereeing between the kids (this old picture of Liam describes him to a tee), errands, late naps and a pile of dishes. I would say I need a break, but I just had one. I guess I just need a better attitude and maybe some sleep remedy for my kids. I'm looking forward to school starting.

How are things there?

Love always,

Catherine

Summertime Carrot

I loved our conversation today. It would be so great if we lived closer and our kids could garden together. Jack was so proud of this carrot he grew.

I hope this week is rejuvenating for you and that you get some good quality time with Violet. It will be a good time to reflect on how things are between you and Liam, I always find it helps to get space from someone to illuminate the dynamics. Also just frees things up a bit. Our kids must get tired of us and our fatigue and our moods. It's good for us all to get some space from one another.

I had a great group tonight. I had two new mamas, both with babies in group. Told their birth stories and then we did yoga. It was really sweet. I've been learning a lot from my group. It's good to get my mind going in that way.

I'm fried right now, I'm going to bed. I love you!!!

I get it

I know, it is so hard sometimes. Our kids are at really challenging, intense ages. The sibling rivalry is beginning, they both are fighting for our attention, all the time. It is just intense. So, I get it, girlfriend. And you are a great mother. And it is okay for your kids to see you cry, throw a tantrum, or yell. They need to see that we are human and we make mistakes and we get upset. And sometimes we need to lose it, and let ourselves really cry and come undone, to truly be present with our family again.

You're great. And, this, too, shall pass. It's all just a phase. And things will get easier. And then harder. And then easier again. And one day we will be looking back at photos and remembering their chubby little hands and feet and wishing we could go back to these days. I try to remember that when I am about to lose it and start my own tantrum, which believe me, I do. I just started crying the other day in the car out of the blue. It was classic. John and the kids were like, what the fuck just happened to her???

whatever it takes

Dear Diary:

Kids are hard. It's even harder when other people think your kids are hard. It's demoralizing. You try to stand up for them, but a part of you agrees with them. You love them, but don't you ever have those times when you don't really like them? That's what it's been like lately. Everyday is a struggle, I dread the coming of the day. Two days ago, I had a meltdown. A real doozy. Swearing, crying (sobbing really), angry. The kids witnessed it, Violet cried, Liam tried to make things better. I officially felt like a slut mother.

I went to bed that night exhausted with the emotional volcano and then I realized something. What if Liam wasn't always to blame? What if other kids were doing things to him and he was fighting back. That day he told a kid he would kick him in the face, but then I found out that kid told him he wouldn't ever let him out of the fence. When we went camping he started swinging at another kid, but then I found out that kid was making fun of him. Now I'm not saying that his behaviour is ok, but it's also not always for nothing. Same with his sister. To keep her quiet, I get mad at him, but I'm seeing now that she screams because she knows I'll intervene, it's becoming a sport in our house.

So yesterday, I greeted Liam with love and the hopeful idea that today would be different. And it was. We went out to the westcoast for the day. Along the way, we stopped at Lizard Lake and held a salamander. Then we went out to Botanical Beach and explored the forest and the tide pools. We saw eagles, crabs, sea stars, huge waves, explored a cave, found some gnomie homes, ate at a super yummy cafe (fresh clams steamed with wine, garlic and shallots) and by the time we got home, no one had been in trouble the whole day.

So this is what it takes for peace in my home. A little understanding, seeing my kids for who they are and standing up for them and a day of good, honest fun, outside in the healing space of nature. I'd love to bring you there and share a bucket of clams with you.

Here's to a new day.

Tooth fairy time

So... I forgot to tell you that Jack lost a tooth. Big news. He was psyched. The tooth fairy came and left him a dollar coin, in the pouch that you made that you gave me with my birthday necklace. I found some old purple eyeshadow and made little fairy footprints along his window sill to his window, and along his bed in a trail to his pillow. He thought it was so cool. But he totally busted me and said, "mom, i thought fairy dust was golden..." So it was sweet. Now his other bottom tooth is loose.

I haven't called you back yet from last night. I went to my girlfriend's house to hang out for a bit last night and had a glass of wine. So I didn't get home until later. The kids and I had one of those great mornings together, when everything flows and they are each being so good. We went up to Ojai and went to the animal shelter to look and pet the animals, then went to the park and had a picnic and then walked and got a cone. We played in an outdoor fountain and got all wet, and it was hot there, so it felt so good. We all drove home red faced and happy. I wish it was more often when both kids are really in good moods and I can thoroughly enjoy them together. When one is in a fussy mood, it definitely affects everything... I wish we could have more days like today together.

Surf Sister

Ok, we just got home from Tofino, God's country really. This has to be one of the most amazing places on earth. Now, I know every Canadian says that, but so do the German, Dutch, British and well, didn't I tell you...Arizona loves it too! I meant to take pictures of the licence plates, it's pretty funny. Anyways, I tried my hand at a bit of boogie boarding, I felt like the adventuresome girl that I once was came alive once again.

I used to travel to crazy places, go on week long wilderness hiking trips, swim naked in moonlit waters, and then I had kids. It all went into hibernation until this week. Being in the surf, riding the waves in the sun with all of the others enjoying the same was so exhilarating. I thought of you every day. There is a place in Tofino called Surf Sister. They have surf camps for women only and I want you and I to go. After all, shouldn't two souls sisters also become surf sisters? This is a culture I could really get into.

So here's what I'm thinking...next June when you come, you and I head out to Tofino for a surfing weekend. We can either camp or stay at a b&b. Just you and me and the wide open ocean. Let's set the date, we deserve it.

I love you. I love the card you sent, I'm sending one your way. Oh and your fairy crown, amazing, your kids are gorgeous.