unexpected

Dear Diary:

I was hit with an ocean of sadness yesterday, one that I didn't expect. This morning I was speaking to a friend on the phone about how mind-numbingly lonely being a full time stay at home mum has been for me since school and daycare went on summer vacation. I started crying, crying in a way I haven't done in months. Crying in a way I didn't even do when our little friend died. All of a sudden I was hit with the stark reality that with the arrival of my daughter's 2nd birthday, it is also the final departure of my childbearing days. Now I know many people would think, "aren't you so relieved? No more sleepless nights, no more non-stop breastfeeding, no more birthing?"

Those things that I should feel happy to see take a seat in my past are things that loudly define my new role in this world, with myself and my family. I realized that for the past 6 years I have held the label of the young mother. There is something romantic about that, something sweet, something forgiving. I feel that slipping away along with each birthday that my children have. So while I am so happy to see my children grow into beautiful healthy beings, I feel myself grieving a time that no longer will be. I had no idea this was coming. This is a transition I did not expect, nor was I fully prepared for.

It's interesting, in this time of transition, unknown change, I find myself re-evaluating my life, my business, my priorities. I am surprised to find myself deeply considering putting my work on the back burner for a while, or at least slowing the pace. I am seeing in it's full light for the first time, how fully precious this time is and how quickly it is gone. I always knew that and I've experienced it with Liam, but with him there was always the knowledge that there was a continuum, there would be another child to follow, another chance to experience it all over again, another chance to do it differently. There is no more after this one. This is it. It is a hard one to swallow today as I choke it down with the tears of a life I am looking at through the rear view mirror. And at the same time, seeing my children, my daughter beside me, now looking forward. Letting go is so hard.

Violet was 5 months old when this picture was taken. All I wanted at that time was for her to sleep. Now, at 2 years old, I actually got her out of her bed last night and brought her into mine. I actually savour those moments in the night now. If only I could go back and talk to myself then and let myself know what I know now.